Vent: Mom’s Boyfriend
About 4 years ago, my parents got divorced. A couple weeks after, she started dating this guy, David, & they’ve been dating ever since then. I’ve never really been close to him to start with, so it’s pretty much like living with a stranger since the day i found out my mom’s been dating him. To make it clear, i dislike him. His attitude, his personality, just slowly starting to figure out the person he is, i fucking dislike the shit out of him. He’s rude, he thinks being a dick is a way to get people to fucking respect him like no dude that just makes you an intense fucking turd, he has no fucking respect, he’s spoiled, he makes my mom take care of his shit when it’s not her responsibility, he fucking drags my mom down, & just putting this out there, my mom is way out of his league. She’s fucking independent as fuck, what the fuck are you doing with this loser.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but whenever we go to family gatherings at my grandma’s house, obviously my mom has to bring him. I hate the fact that he met my family & he hangs out with them. I hate that my family even knows him. Like fuck you dude, you’re not one of us, you don’t fucking belong. The fact that they acknowledge him pisses me the fuck off. You’re not fucking part of my fucking family so continue to fucking act like the outsider you are. One time my mom had the fucking nerve to fucking “joke” around like she was gunna have a kid with him or that she was pregnant, like fuck you!! Don’t fucking joke like that! She did that around my aunts too & they were like, “Oh Ashlee, don’t you want your momma to have a baby with him?” FUCK NO. THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON YOU’RE GUNNA BE IMPREGNATED WITH IS MY DAD. Ain’t fucking with no half sibling shit.
What also pisses me the fuck off is when people i talk to know that my mom has a boyfriend but says shit like, “Oh are you living with your mom & stepdad?” Fuck you, don’t ever refer to him as my stepdad. I refuse to think of him as a father figure to me. There was this one time i was talking about college & moving out, & he was like, “Uhm no, no way, i don’t like that, hell no.” What the fuck? Who are you to say with what i can & can’t do in my life? I don’t fucking know you. This isn’t “oh let’s play dad in ashlee’s life.” You’re no one to me. How dare you fucking act like you’re my fucking dad. No one will ever fucking replace him. I only have one fucking dad & thankfully, that’s not you.
My dad is humble as fuck. He always treats everyone with respect. He works hard & puts family before himself. He’s a good man & he would never stab no one in the back or do anyone wrong. He holds his own & will always make you feel like you’re a friend not a stranger. Ask anyone who knows him, they will tell you the same damn thing. Man, just talking about my dad makes me realize how grateful i am to have a dad like him. Like he’s cool as fuck. Even though we had our differences in the past, we finally put that behind us & work things out.-Here comes the tears.-Before, i never thought things would change. I’ve always thought that my dad & i would never be family again & that we’d always have a bad relationship. But now that everything has changed, i can see how much he cares about me & how good of a person he is.
I guess the reason why this really upsets me is because since i was so used to my mom & dad being together, i can’t accept the fact that David took that space. There’s nothing i can really do about it. It is what it is. I know it’s been a long time since they have been divorced, but when you think that the only two people that mean the most to you will never split apart, …& they do…you don’t know how to really feel about it. Now, it just makes me sad, to be honest. Because i failed to understand the reason why it never worked out. & i probably never will.
I don’t really like talking about this kind of subject, i’ve always kept it to myself cause it secretly bothered me. I don’t like admitting that it does bother me sometimes because i don’t like going into depth about it. I don’t really share this with anyone. I guess i’ve been bottling it up for so long, i just needed a way to get it out.
Envy is when someone walks around with a pocket full of “that should’ve been me.”
Hate is what happens when you put a shotgun to the face of understanding & it cowers in the corner.
Truth is everything you tell yourself when you realize that no one is looking.
Courage is ripping your heart from your chest & saying, “Here…hold on to this for me.”
Trust is when you jump into someone’s arms knowing they would never let you hit the ground.
Love is a tablespoon of hemlock I’ve been dying to try.
Faith is doing what you love for a living & watching the bills pay themselves.
Failure is when you talk yourself out of becoming something amazing.
This Type Love
I want a love like,
Me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love or,
Me telling my friends more than i’ve ever admitted to myself about how i feel about you type love or,
Hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to yourself type love or,
Seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name &,
Shit i wanted to see how far i could get without calling you & i barely made it out of my garage.
See i want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then
then wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love or,
Who loves the other more or,
What she’s doing at this exact moment or,
Slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts.
Closing my eyes & imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when she’s not there &..
Shit i love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
& check this,
I want to place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much i love her type love then,
Not having enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love &..
Hope i make her feel as good as age makes me feel &..
I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the way i made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type loves
& just like in high school,
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit…
& then fall asleep & then wake up with HER, right next to ME!
& smell her all up in my covers type love &-
I want to try counting the ways i love her, then lose count in the middle just so that i have to start all over again &-
I want to celebrate one of those 1 month anniversaries
even though they ain’t really anniversaries,
But doin’ it just cause it makes her happy type love.
I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays when her number is dialed into it type love & then talk to you until i lose my breath.
She leaves me breathless.
But with the expanding of my lungs,
Inhale all of her back into me.
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer,
because in all honesty..
I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves,
& i want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are.
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time to love you as long as i’d like to type love &..
I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just think about how strong this love is type love &..
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all of my hair
Well.. Maybe not all of the hair..
Maybe like I cut the spit ends & trim my mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.
& check this,
I kinda feel comfortable now, so..
I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car,
Just so i could lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated, then somehow meet up again with you so i can fall in love with you in a different language & see if it still feels the same type love.
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is,
But i’m married so..
she’s gunna be the one that i share this love with.
Get the fuck out
Lol i think it’s funny when girls try to get with my boyfriend. Especially when they know he has a girlfriend & they know exactly how i look like when they creep all up on my tumblr…& instagram…& probably facebook too. lol. It’s even funnier when my boyfriend tells them off & establishes the point that he has a girl, BUT THEY STILL TRY TO HOLLA. Then they have the audacity to talk shit when they don’t know a damn thing about me. Smh. You needa glass? & some gatorade? Cause i think you need to quench that thirst. How bout some glasses? Cause i think ya eyes all fucked up to the point where you can’t see that he’s in a relationship. Back the fuck up trick.
Scars/To the New Boyfriend/Girlfriend
One, If i could, i would nail these hands to the edges of stars.
I would sacrifice this body to the sky hoping to resurrect that someone’s spiteful enough to not care about you anymore.
Two, Staple me to a cross.
Pierce my side with the broken promise & i will bleed all the crippled reasons why you deserve one more chance.
Three, Loving you was the last thing i felt really good at.
Four, You wanna know how i got these scars.
See i ripped every last piece of you out of my smile.
Five, I whispered you Stardust,
Six, I spoke you into Sunflowers,
Seven, I dipped in my hands in Forever,
I touched you Infinity,
Treated you, as if you were the last molecule of oxygen in side of a gas chamber-
I was good to you.
Eight, You wanna know how i got these scars.
See i swallowed my pride & then it crawled its way out of my mouth,
Nine, I realized that i was never really your boyfriend,
I was just your fucking height man.
Ten, I hope your next boyfriend gets small pox,
Ten, YES. i said small pox!
Ten, I hate you,
Ten, But i still miss you,
Ten, & a part of me still loves you,
Ten, It gets hard for me to count when i get emotional,
Ten, I heard that over ninety percent of human interaction is nonverbal so…
Ten, If i could, i would tie your arms to a daydream & then auction you off to my fondest memories.
To the random dude who started dating my ex-girlfriend two days after we broke up,
yes, i saw that Shit on facebook.
Now when i realized that you were in a relationship with a girl that i thought i’d someday spend the rest of my life with,
I walked outside, i said to myself “there’s no way Ashton Kutcher’s gunna catch me off guard,”
I waited forty-five minutes.
& then i realized, that there hasn’t been a new episode of Punk in damn near four years..
So i guess i’m the only practical Joke in this entire situation.
One, The first time i saw you & her in a picture,
I wanted to take my entire arm, shove it inside of the computer, & snatch the happiness right off of your face.
Two, If i ever see you in the street…
I’m probably going to punch you in the throat.
Three, I apologize in advance.
& I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger toward a man that i’ve never actually met face to face,
But my definition of Love, is being robbed in an alley eight times in a row
& hoping there’s something about today that makes all of this Different.
There is nothing logical, about cutting off the most important parts of yourself
& then putting them inside of hands
that Crack like a hayashen sidewalk.
Four, There is nothing rational about love.
Your love stutters when it gets nervous,
Your love trips over its own shoelaces,
Love, is clumsy & my heart refuses to wear a helmet.
Five, cupid is fucking irresponsible,
& i’m tired of him using me for target practice.
Six, I was told that time would heal all wounds.
But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis.
Seven, She always wore her heart on her sleeves,
So tell me why the hell do you look so familiar.
Eight, I think i’ve seen you somewhere in her smile,
Like i’ve heard your voice in her laughter,
Like i’ve smelled your cologne on her thighs,
I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints we would only find yours..
Nine, I have this envelope, it’s full of all the butterflies that i felt the first time she relaxed the Velcro on her lips & smiled in my direction,
I think most of them are still alive,
I guess these belong to you too.
I always go the extra mile.
When i like someone, i always tend to go out of my way for that person. If i make plans with them, i make sure that those plans happen, regardless of how much trouble i have to go through. I’d do anything just to be the reason behind their smile & why they’re happy. That person becomes my first priority. But why is it that whenever i go the extra mile for that someone, they don’t even show any effort that they care as much as i do? It’s always ME doing things first, throwing in the other hand, trying to save the flame from burning out, while they just sit back & watch you break your back over something that consists of TWO people, not just one. I just want them to care as much as i do, to want me as bad as i want them. It’s agonizing being the one to worry & stress over someone who doesn’t show as much effort about how they really feel about you. I’m honestly really starting to hate being the only one that actually gives a shit.
Anonymous said, "why dont you update?"
Haven’t had the time to. But i will soon though!(: Maybe even today.
"I’m gonna be honest; I’m not really a love poet. In fact every time I try to write about love, my hands cramp, just to show me how painful love can be. Sometimes my pencils break, just to prove to me that every now and then love takes a little bit more work than you planned.
See, I heard that love is blind, so I write all my poems in Braille. And my poems are never actually finished because true love is endless. See, I always believe that real love is kind of like a supermodel before she’s airbrushed. It’s pure, and imperfect, just the way that God intended.
I’m gonna be honest; I’m not a love poet. But if I was to wake up tomorrow morning and decide that I really wanted to write about love… I swear that my first poem- it would be about you. About how I love you the same way that I learned how to ride a bike: Scared. But reckless. With no training wheels, or elbow pads, so my scars can tell the story of how I fell for you.
You see, I’m not really a love poet. But if I was, I’d write about how I see your face in every cloud and your reflection in every window. You see, I’ve written like a million poems hoping that somehow, maybe some way you’ll jump out of the page and be closer to me because if you were here, right now, I would massage your back until your skin sings songs that your lips don’t even know the words. Until your heartbeat sounds like my last name, and you smile like the Pacific Ocean- I want to drink the sunlight in your skin.
If I was a love poet, I’d write about how you have the audacity to be beautiful, even on days when everything around you is ugly. You see, I’d write about your eyelashes and how they’re like violin strings that play symphonies every time you blink. If I was a love poet, I’d write about how I melt in front of you like an ice sculpture every time I hear the vibration in your voice. And whenever I see your name on the caller ID, my heart- it plays hopscotch inside of my chest. It climbs on to my ribs like monkey bars and I feel like a child all over again. I know this sounds strange but every now and then, I pray that God somehow turns you back into one of my ribs just so I would never have to spend an entire day without you.
But I swear, I’m not a love poet. But if I was to wake up tomorrow morning, and decide that I really wanted to write about love, you’re my first poem; it would be about you.
Now, after all of that, she was like, “So how do you feel about me?”
And I said, “Let’s put it like this: I want to be your ex-boyfriend’s stuntman. I want to do everything that he never had the courage to do, like- trust you.
I swear that when our lips touch, I can taste the next sixty years of my life. And some days I want to swallow stacks of your pictures just so you can be part of me a bit longer. If I could, I would sample your smile, and then I would let my heartbeat do the bass line. We would create the greatest love song of all time. Whenever we stand next to each other- love, I was the only one made for you, and you- can be at last, my Etta James. I’ll be all child when you’re in pain. Or you can be candy-coated drops of rain even though it never rains in Southern California. And together, we could be music. And when my friends ask if you’re my girlfriend, I’ll say, NO. she is my musician. And me… I’m her favorite song.”